Some people wouldn't know their ass
from an air conditioner.
Take M r. Smolensky.
Despite overwhelming stupidity,
his death certificate will say "accident. "
Billy Conway, on the other hand, was smart.
Still, with all his Intelligence,
Billy thought M r. Smolensky was dancing.
Billy's commonsense prevailed,
but commonsense Is never enough to keep you safe, my friends.
Because the world Is, quite simply, dangerous.
Gloria Conway would have never forgiven herself
If something had happened to one of her children.
M rs. Smolensky held no such concern for her husband.
He had been a philanderer and a drunk,
and she considered his death a welcome divorce.
Sometimes bad things can happen for a good reason.
And sometimes, things just happen.
The Conways were your average, unremarkable family.
They rallied around Billy after the neighbour's Incineration,
and In the evening they enjoyed a movie together.
I didn't know there was anybody behind me.
Billy felt safe between his twin brothers, Gene and Larry. They weren't bothered at all
because they had once witnessed a motorcycle stunt go horribly wrong.
Linda felt snug next to her Dad.
And while Ray Conway was a good father,
It was Gloria who took most responsibility for the family's wellbeing.
The Three Stooges was her Idea.
If she were more flexible, she'd be kicking herself right now.
Don't go away, Moe.
Gene had an uncanny talent for mischief,
and his concern for Billy Inspired his most daring prank yet.
Billy, come on down. Where the hell is Gene?
And when Douglas Post arrived,
the stage was set.
Hey, Gene, wait for me.
It's just a movie, yeah? It's just all make believe, okay?
Did you find Gene? He's disappeared.
And Little Lord Bad I nfluence just flew by on his bike.
Doug was off limits after he and Gene drove the Principal's car
Into the school swimming pool.
But still, nobody expected this.
Wow.
Like a big potato.
Hey, Doug. J ust in time to see all hell break loose.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna pee.
Oh, my God. I swear to God, if shit were brains,
that kid would eat his head for dinner.
Yeah!
Gloria didn't just turn a phrase.
She flipped It on Its back and kicked the shit out of It.
Eugene conway!
You get down from there now before I turn your little ass Into a-
Gene and Doug got Into serious trouble.
Three police cars came, but It was worth It
because Billy had forgotten all about the dead neighbor humping the sprinkler.
So, what did the cops have to say, M r. Moviemagic?
They said that Moe was a friend of theirs,
and if I peed out of his head again they'd shoot me.
What are we gonna do with him?
Give him to the Jehovah Witnesses next time they come around for a donation.
There's a lot of asphalt out there. Slow down. It's raining.
I am slowed down.
Slow down more.
And don't think for one second, little M r. Big Deal,
you're playing In the championships this weekend.
But Mal
Don't "Ma" me. I don't remember giving birth to a horse's ass.
But we'll lose!
Not if you play as good as Gene.
Shut up, Billy.
Stop it!
Leave us alone. I'm not hurting anyone!
Billy, careful! What are you doing?
Accidents happen when you least expect.
Care, vigilance and luck cannot prevent them.
Although seatbelts In this Instance would have certainly helped.
Accidents are a fact of life,
and very bad accidents
have a charming way of not seeming real.
For every tragic accident, there Is a good luck story.
But that balance can take years to occur.
And that's the way It was with the Conways.
Linda had died,
and Gene was In a nursing home.
Billy came here to remember happier times,
but they were getting harder to recall.
I n your room with those. Dinner's ready.
Why so early?
Did you forget you have baseball practice?
I was trying to.
What are we having?
Ah, dinner. I told you.
I mean what, exactly?
I don't think it's anything exactly.
Tell Larry it's ready.
Can't we leave a plate by his door?
You want a riot?
Larry! It's feeding time.
Larry grew up lost.
He didn't really have much choice.
Being Gene's twin was all he had going for him.
You've outdone yourself.
Do me a favor, will you?
H it your goddamn father over the head with a baseball bat.
Each member of the family developed their own way to cope.
Billy learned not to feel,
which clearly had Its benefits.
Ray didn't cope. He walked out.
Most of Billy's contact with him now Involved head wounds.
And Gloria struggled to put the past behind her.
It was not uncommon to find Linda's furniture In the yard.
M rs. Smolensky should have been an example to them.
She had gotten over her husband long ago.
Buster Bill I
Oh, my goodness, are you all right?
It's nothing, M rs. Smolensky.
J ust my naturaI charm revealing itself.
Billy was showing off his baseball skills.
It was quite a display.
Ma?
H i. I'm Dottie.
Douglas Post's mother.
I found your mother in the front yard. She's been having-
Billy I
Hey, I'm fine. I just, I strained myself trying to move-
Hello.
Oh, my God, look. It's the spokesmen for the Useless Bastards Club.
What brings you here?
U h-
come here. Let me see.
God. Jesus. He was supposed to crack you with the bat.
J ust trying to show Dad how much I love baseball.
So, let me be clear. If this happens In a practice session,
what the hell are you gonna do to him in a reaI game?
It was an accident.
Are you all right?
You mean speaking of accidents?
Gloria, don't start.
My husband wants a divorce.
Yeah, he wants to move on.
Start a new wife.
Billy.
Oh, I guess you didn't find a really good time to tell him.
I mean, what, with the concussion and all.
Billy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so stupid.
I think It would be best for everybody.
Don't mind my husband here.
He has his head rammed so far up his ass,
that every time he blinks, it tickles his fancy.
Where's Larry? We could use a hand I
Not here.
Is he visiting Gene?
If you did that once in a while, you might feeI better.
And if my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.
You leave that! Don't you touch it. Put it down.
Billy can take care of it. We don't need you.
Oh, do me one favor, though. On your way out,
could you please, please, take the time to trip over your dead daughter's bicycle?
Are you okay?
Should I call an ambulance?
No. Call the NationaI Guard.
This, I think, qualifies as a disaster.
I'm gonna take your mother to the hospitaI. She's having female problems.
What do you mean?
You can stay at my house.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I'm not staying with Dad.
Is that, uh, son of yours, is he still causing problems?
Do you want my help or not?
Gloria didn't like taking help.
It made her feel vulnerable, and that frightened her.
And Dottle's help had brought Billy Into contact
with Gene's old friend, Douglas Post.
The Columbia engines will be-
It's not every day you get to see history happen.
Dottie! I'm empty!
H istory is not happening. It happened the other day.
Don't wise off, Doug.
They got back alive. That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Hey, you, play nice in front of our guest.
Yeah, the other day!
When they made history.
If Columbus didn't make it back after he discovered America,
we wouldn't be sitting here watching this on TV.
Isn't that right, Billy?
Your TV's really nice.
We would too be sitting here, 'cause someone else would've discovered America.
You're not listening to me, Doug.
Look, it's the invention of the wheeI,
Christ and all that business,
the discovery of America by Columbus,
the discovery of gravity,
World War I, World War I I,
and the moon landing.
That's the history of the world so far.
Oh, this isn't still on, is it? What a yawn festivaI.
can't we watch Dallas?
We're watching this.
I n the early days of our republic,
Americans watched Yankee clippers fly across the sky-
You know Billy conway from over at Providence court?
What happened?
Got hit by a baseball.
Ew.
Gene wasn't expected to survive the crash,
though It was debatable that he had.
He could breathe, and swallow.
He didn't even have a sexy nurse.
And If that wasn't bad enough,
Larry would sneak In, drunk.
Alcohol helped fuel Larry's hope that a miracle might occur.
Being with Doug helped Billy remember a life before the accident.
Gene and Doug had been great together,
whether they were playing baseball
or turning The Three Stooges Into five.
And with the memories
came hope that life could be fun again.
Doug. Doug.
You were snoring.
I'm sorry.
You miss Gene?
You should try and get some sleep.
Were you there the time he built the toilet paper wall across M iami court?
Yeah.
My ass got kicked around the living room because of it.
Now I call it the barely living room.
Man, that was Intense.
You're not serious.
My father, he tore through it in his car
'cause he thought it was toilet paper. But it wasn't.
Gene strung wire across too and ripped the windshield wipers off.
Have you been to see him lately?
It's only family allowed.
Really? That sucks.
Well, you're not gonna take that Iying down, are you?
H urry upl
# Older brother Restless soul Lie down #
Quick.
# Lie for a while with your Ear against the earth #
The buzzer.
# And you'll hear Your sister sleep Talking say #
# Your hair Is long But not long enough To reach #
Quick, quick, quick.
# Home to me #
# And she'll wake up I n a cold sweat on The floor #
# Next to a family Portrait drawn when You were four #
Thank you. How thoughtfuI.
Oh, yeah!
Doug!
Where are you?
Shit!
Whoa.
All right, I'm out.
Run I
Hey, bub. There you are.
Wasn't that fun the other night? It was hystericaI.
Hey, hang on.
Doug's really cooI. We've been out every night.
The other night-
Gene?
God, Gene. Hey, Gene, It's me, Billy. I'm here.
N urse!
Don't listen to anything he says, Gene.
It says here that he's a little pussy.
Lucky you don't have to live with him.
Good one, dickhead.
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.
Sorry. Sorry.
Mom's in the hospitaI, Gene.
They took a lot of her female stuff out, like her Filipino tubes.
Everything except her M ildred.
That's what Doug calls her pussy.
Gross, huh?
She's okay, though.
She might not come see you for a while.
She'll be a bit shaky.
M ight not?
She's not coming.
She's happy finally 'cause she's got an excuse.
You can get she'll be milking it.
From General Aluminum Products-
If that's the doctor, tell him I want my uterus back.
Hello?
Who's this?
They hung up.
J ust as well. I've got static to watch.
The Posts have a really nice TV.
Yeah. They also have a shit for brains son
who wouldn't know his ass from an exit sign.
Well, we got Larry.
The phone call was some guy asking if I wanted to sneak out with him later.
It wasn't your boyfriend, was it, Billy?
More like your imaginary friend.
Well, which one?
That's right. Larry's only got one.
How would you two like to go live with your good-for-nothing father?
Larry would.
Oh, hi. Billy. Everything all right?
Yeah. My mom's doing a lot better.
I just wanna thank you for helping out.
It was really nice of you. My mom really appreciated it.
It's what neighbors do.
And thanks for letting me stay.
Are you sure everything's okay?
I think I left my baseball cap over here. Is Doug home?
I don't think you were wearing it.
I must have been. Could I look for it?
Was that you who called?
Shit. That was so funny. Was that Larry? What did he say?
He asked if you were my boyfriend.
The bastard! He was always like the downer twin.
I tried to be his friend, but, uh, not necessary. Ah, maybe it's over here.
Look, It's kinda tricky If you call my house.
My mom thinks you're like a crime lord.
Still?
Hey, have the cops been here?
No. Why? Have they been to your house?
I don't wanna talk about It I
Shit. That's the last thing I need. Your head looks better.
Than what?
So, do you wanna do something later?
I can't. My mom's home. She's like a shut-in.
I talked my mother into taking her to bingo.
What, tonight? They're like paper and scissors.
More like rock and scissors.
You should come over.
Okay. See you later.
Come on I
H i, M r. Post. You haven't seen my cap, have you?
No. Seen the goddamn remote?
You! Who is that kid, anyway?
It's Billy. Get out of my room I
Billy who?
Get out of my room I
U h, my mom won't be long.
Are you going to bingo, too?
I thought it was just old ladies that went.
I heard that.
It's better than staying home with my father.
Ma, you know Katrina.
H i, Katrina.
M rs. Post is waiting in the car.
Right. Larry! Dinner is ready.
Don't mind my father. We don't call him Tiny 'cause he has a lot of patience.
He's just dropping us off.
You call him Tiny?
Not to his face.
Well, I hope you both win.
I don't know about you, Katrina,
but I have about as much chance of winning as shitting a gold Cadillac.
Turkey, chicken. Don't fight over them.
Bye, Katrina.
I'm having the turkey.
You always have the turkey.
I'm having the turkey. Why do you always have to be a jerk?
You should go live with dad. Make everyone happy.
Everyone except me and Dad.
You'll just get drunk later and end up throwing It up.
Fuck off, Billy.
Make sure you throw it up somewhere other than here.
It's hot.
You only have yourself to blame for that.
Hey, what's going on?
What the fuck are you doing here?
He threw a fucking TV dinner at me!
What'd you do that for?
Because he's a Mildred I
That was you who called here earlier.
So what of it?
You hurt Billy again, and I'll kick your ass. Again.
Let me see.
Oh, man.
# Walking on a dream #
# How can I explain #
# Talking to myself #
# Will I see again #
# We are always running For the thrill of It Thrill of It #
# Always pushing up The hill searching For the thrill of It #
# On and on and on We are calling out And out again #
# Never looking down I'm just In awe of What's In front of me #
# Is It real now #
# Two people become one #
# I can feel It #
# Two people become one #
I'm gonna kick ya. come on, man.
What is it?
Looks like some form of trouble.
It's open.
Look what I got.
cooI!
# Searching for The thrill of It #
# On and on and on We are calling out And out again #
# Never looking down I'm just In awe of What's In front of me #
Oh, yeah I
# Is It real now #
# Two people become one #
# I can feel It #
It'll be all right. There's nothing we can do about it now.
Someone would have called an ambulance.
It was an accident, Doug. They were speeding.
It wasn't anybody's fault.
Hello?
Hi, It's Mom.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Is your father home?
Ah, no. He hasn't picked you up?
No.
Ah, I'm sure he'll be there soon. He's not here.
Well, when did he leave?
Oh, when did he leave?
U h, I don't know. I fell asleep, okay? Bye.
Is that sirens?
What? Sirens? U h, I don't know.
There must be an accident somewhere, or a fire.
I'm sure he'll be there soon. Okay, bye-bye.
Oh, shit. What if that was my father?
Billy, did you see the car? Did it look like my father's car?
Doug, you gotta stay calm. It could have been anybody's car.
He's probably just running late. It'll be cooI, all right?
We have to go over there.
No, we don't!
Billy, I've gotta know. We have to go over there.
Shit, the bowling ball!
The bowling ball.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's his father. H is name's Tiny Post.
Dick.
We're gonna be here for a while.
I'm Officer Barret. What's your name, son?
William conway.
Friend's name?
Douglas Post.
This boy here is the man's son. H is name's Douglas Post.
I'm Officer Passman, Douglas.
I'm very sorry, son, but there was nothing we could do for your dad.
It was an accident.
Yeah, it was a bad accident.
I'd better take him home.
No, Officer, I-
It was a bad accident, Doug.
No. It wasn't meant to happen like this.
You need a glass of water, dear. come with me.
That's a good idea. Thank you, M rs. Smolensky.
I think what he was trying to say was his father drinks a bit.
U h-huh.
Terrible business this, Buster Bill. Are you okay?
I only ever see you when something dreadfuI's happened.
Don't worry about a thing, Buster.
I'm looking after you.
Mom!
M rs. Post, I'm Officer Passman.
If you'll please move to the side of the road.
A car will come and take you home.
I'm so sorry. Please, get in the car.
Billy, let's go. Let's get out of here. Now.
Billy, come on I
Here. There's some vomit.
It's practically the whole front page.
I don't wanna see that.
What's wrong with you, Larry?
He used to be in the navy.
What's that story?
"Streakers in shoplifting spree. "
" Last night, two naked teenage youths wearing ski masks
"surprised 80-year-old cashier, Emily Barstow,
"at Drummond's Grocery Store, when they raced in and stole a bag of candy.
"M rs. Barstow said the smaller of the two individuals
"had a gauze dressing in the middle of his back,
"but she didn't see much else to distinguish the offenders.
"The larger youth then reportedly stole a bottle of whisky
from the Liquor Barn next door, before the pair fled on foot. "
Well, it's officiaI. I've now heard of everything.
Where were you last night, Billy?
I was here.
You were the one who went out.
I thought you might have gone shopping with a friend.
Poor lady at the store.
She probably got a thrill.
I don't know. The paper said she didn't see much of anything to distinguish them.
Except that gauze.
H i. My mom made it.
Shit I
What did the cops say?
They thought it was weird there weren't any skid marks.
What about the bowling ball?
Did they mention anything about it?
No. Was it under the car?
I don't know. My mom made me go.
Did you see the article in the paper about us streaking?
We'll be all right. come on, deep breath.
Who's at the door?
It's me, M rs. Post. Billy Conway. My mom baked you a cake.
I knocked it with the door.
It was an accident.
H i, Billy.
H i. I'm sorry about your father.
About M r. Post.
Thank your mother for the cake. It was a nice thought.
Trust me, it's probably better off this way.
Sorry.
Dropped it.
No, Is that Tiny?
What'd he do to himself, eat an ice cream truck?
come on, where's your sense of humor?
Face like yours, you think it'd be standard equipment.
Your home is lovely.
Oh, thank you.
I'd offer you a piece of your delicious cake, but it's all gone.
Oh, Bob.
Excuse me for a moment.
Dottle.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Yes, thank you, Becky. Thank you.
Gloria, this is Bob, and his daughter Becky.
H i. My son, Billy.
It's terrible.
The world's so unpredictable.
I lost my wife a few years back in an accident.
I lost my daughter eight years ago.
Accident? I'm so sorry.
Thanks.
Oh, Dougie, Doug, come. come meet Bob.
He was a workmate of your father's.
Your Dad was a hell of a guy. A big character.
It's a-it's a reaI shame.
He was very nice to my daughter and me
when my Peggy passed away a few years back.
It's terrible.
Oh, I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.
Don't cry.
Becky. Becky.
So, who died?
Oh, Louise! Oh, my goodness.
Louise, we're having the wake.
Of course you are. Oh, come on, sis.
You could use a cheer up. So, cheer up.
Everything is gonna be all right.
I like what you've done.
Well, I haven't done anything.
Well, it looks roomier.
Dougie. Poor Dougie. come, give your Auntie Louise a little kiss.
Is that peach fuzz?
Oh, this calls for a drink.
You know what they say. When God closes a door, he opens a beer.
Trina. Trinal
Oh, I'm so, so sorry.
That sofa.
It was like sitting next to the Grand Canyon.
I was expecting an echo.
What did you think of that guy and his daughter?
Why do you ask, you ask, you ask?
The guy's all right, don't you think?
No, I don't think. Anyway, there's a major fruit loop alert on the daughter.
I hope this isn't leading to an episode of the Dating Game,
'cause my boot might have to go on a date with your teeth.
So, what do you think? Was it an accident,
or did he do it on purpose, on purpose, on purpose?
It's not funny.
Not funny, not funny, not funny.
Hey, what's the matter?
I always think the next funeraI will be Gene's.
I can't go home.
How is he?
He's the same, Ma.
It'll be all right.
When? When they're making snowballs in hell, that's when.
I walk in that house, and Gene is just everywhere.
I wash my face, but I don't look in the mirror.
I look in the sink where the chips were taken out with a ball pein hammer
when he was trying to kill ants.
Every morning, there's the carpet with the melted patch
where the chemistry experiment went wrong,
or right, if you're Gene.
And I know it's another day and,
I can't-
It's another day and I can't go.
You look like hell.
You always knew how to sweet talk me.
I'm not signing the divorce papers,
so let's not pretend this is about sweet talking.
I'm not gonna come back.
What do you think they're talking about?
Probably what a little pussy you are.
The divorce, dipshit!
can you hear anything?
H is balls being crunched.
What balls?
Sh, I-I can hear Dad.
Dad just said
Billy's a faggot.
Whenever the shit hits the fan, you're the one to check out.
Don't.
Nobody's meant to get out of this easily.
The boys hate you, you know that.
No.
We have a son who is never gonna come home.
God damn us to Hell's Asshole
that we don't have a home for him to come home to.
What can I say?
I'm the spokesman for the useless bastards everywhere, and I'm sorry.
We can't wait for Gene to die, Gloria.
We'll waste away with him. Lose all feeling.
Knock it off! Knock it off!
He's drunk.
I'm not.
What happened to your back?
Billy went streaking!
I did not. He's Iying.
With Douglas Post.
That's completely nuts. He's an alcoholic
Hey, hey, that's enough. That's enough!
See all the fun you've been missing out on?
Let's go. You're coming with me.
Happy now?
What, that I got burned with a TV dinner?
Larry is more hurt than anyone.
Even Gene.
Hey, it'll be better now, Ma. I promise.
How in the hell is that supposed to happen?
I'm divorced. Divorced.
I have one child who's dead, one who is a vegetable.
Another one who apparently is a drunk.
And you. You, who I thought I could trust,
take off your clothes and run through stores stealing things!
That wasn't me!
I wasn't born in Stupidville anytime around breakfast.
I'll call your father back here. He can take you, too.
Larry threw the dinner at me and, I don't know,
I needed to not kill him.
And Doug Post happened to come by.
Douglas Goddamn Post!
What in the name of Retarded Bill are you doing hanging around with him?
I'm not hanging around with him.
So Douglas Goddamn Post just happens to come by here? Please, explain.
Yeah, he was going to the store and wanted to know if we needed anything.
And you said, yeah, I need to air my balls and steaI things from Drummonds.
I swear to God if I catch you with that son of a bitch again,
I am gonna burn a much bigger patch on your thieving, sneaking little back.
Do you hear me?
And you won't. I promise.
B- 12.
My Dougie was such a big help through everything.
I don't know what I would have done.
You know, Douglas is a good kid.
He was so upset.
G-52.
Where was that number when It would have done me some good?
He's just like the rest of the useless bastards.
Who?
The doofus up there with the little balls.
He's single.
I-16. Sweet 16.
What'd you think of Bob? From the wake?
He's very nice.
The daughter's a panoramic fruit display.
You don't have to date her.
There's some big shindig on over at the navy base tonight.
I could ring him, if you want.
Billy thinks it's a good idea.
O-68.
Did he put you up to this?
Oh. Bingo! Bingo!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
Great. She's funding a color scheme.
So, whose house is this?
J ust you wait.
It's so nice finally to meet you, Billy.
Your father has told me so much about you.
He hasn't said anything about you.
Yeah, I know. We were keeping it under wraps
untiI we were sure, you know, of us.
Higher.
Meat's almost ready.
So, are you sure?
Yes, Larry, we're very sure.
Because connie's pregnant.
Larry! Honestly.
Your brother is such a joker.
So, you're not pregnant?
Where'd you get that idea? Ray?
I heard you two talking about it.
Billy, push.
Well, we're not really sure about it.
You know, five weeks.
Higher!
Oh, Ray, it's on fire!
Oh.
Hey, will I pass in a crowd?
Depends on how big it is.
About as big as that blood clot on your face. What the hell happened now?
We went to the fun park.
Fun park?
Yeah, it wasn't much fun. Why are you all dressed up?
Fun park?
Yes, I banged my nose on the bar.
I've got a date with your friend Bob. Remember him?
I was about to take an estrogen tablet. Oh.
And a nerve pill. Make that two nerve pills.
Oh.
Your earrings aren't right.
You're definitely gonna pass.
Oh.
Hey, stop.
That's to keep you out of trouble.
All right, I need to practice dancing.
Oh! What are you doing?
I don't know. Maybe he hurt his leg since we saw him.
I don't care if they were both blown off at the hip.
He better drag his goddamn ass to the door or I'm not going anywhere.
You get it.
Hello, Gloria.
You're looking nice.
Sorry if I'm late. I-
That wasn't the sorry I was looking for.
You remember Billy? Bob.
H i, Billy.
Ouch.
Billy, hi. Come on in.
You smell nice.
I do not.
Sorry.
You're not gonna bust my balls all night, are you?
Look who's here.
H i. Billy.
H i, M rs. Post.
My mom just went off on her date.
Thank you for the update.
I mean, it was nice of you to set it up and all. Thank you.
Well, I just came by to say thanks. Agaln.
And see what Katrina was doing.
Bob is a very nice man.
I hope so.
Want some cake?
Yes, we have plenty of cake.
You're full of surprises.
Surprises?
Oh, God, I haven't danced in a long time.
I assume Dottie told you about everything that's happened.
Well, I hope so. I'd hate for there to be more.
I miss my father and everything, but-
Does that sound bad? I miss my father and everything, but?
It's just that he could be such a mentaI case when he wanted to be.
I think I ought to be able to make some mistakes sometimes.
My mom can get kind of screw-loosy, too.
She went full scale psychiatric at me the other night.
What did you do?
I got caught streaking.
Streaking? That was you?
Oh, my God! That was you!
Who was the other guy?
My brother.
Weird, but okay, I guess.
My Aunt Louise gave it to me.
You'll get used to it.
You wanna kiss for a while?
come on, streaker.
I- yeah, okay.
Then can we get some more cake?
Not like that.
So, how did your wife die?
U h, electrocuted.
Oh, God.
Washing dishes.
Wow.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, it just caught me by surprise.
I hate doing the dishes!
Yeah, so do I.
You would.
Oh, God.
Where have you been?
At your house.
Looking for you.
The officiaI police report came through.
It says my father committed suicide.
Wow, that's good, isn't it?
No. The insurance company doesn't pay for suicide.
Oh. Oh.
We have to go to the Police.
Are you crazy, Doug? My mom would-
I've got a mother, too, you know.
Hey, it'll be all right.
You know, like I said, this shit happens.
You've just got to forget about it.
I can't. My mother has to get a crap job. I'm messing up at schooI.
Don't play the sob story game with me, okay, Doug?
Because I'll win. Like hands down.
Look, going to the Police isn't gonna help.
You smell like perfume. And pot.
I've been with Katrina.
What do you mean?
We smoked pot, and we made out.
can you really smell it on me?
Hey, Doug.
What if they think we did it on purpose?
Look, I'm sorry you lost your father,
but this could turn into a great big shit shower with, like, no soap.
Gene would come with me. He wouldn't wimp.
Yeah. Shit certainly does happen.
Doug, wait. Wait.
J ust give me a couple of days, okay?
J ust a couple.
I have to tell my mom first.
You have untiI Monday.
Any calls?
No.
Hey, don't worry. He'll call.
Yeah. And the Pope has a key to the Playboy mansion.
What are you making?
I made dinner.
Could you be a little more specific?
I can't even be approximate.
I'm so hungry I could eat a crowbar and shit a jungle gym.
Good. All those loose screws you have will finally come in handy.
That's good.
You know, I-
I've been thinking about the accident.
Are you missing your sister?
No. I mean, I miss Gene.
I didn't ask you if you missed Gene.
You don't think I miss Gene?
I asked you if you missed your sister.
I don't really remember her.
How can you say that?
I don't.
I remember her playing music, but-
You'd better think good and hard
because you can do a hell of a lot better than her playing music.
I meant M r. Post's accident.
I was talking about that one.
There's something-
You get it.
If it's Bob, tell him I'm-I'm cooking, uh, cooking dinner.
Go on! I'm busy for a minute.
Hello?
Hey, Billy. Dad here. Connie thinks you're great.
Is it him?
It was a nice day, wasn't It?
Ah, yeah.
Well, the good news Is,
Who is it?
Connie and I are getting married. On Sunday.
We'd really love it if you could be there.
Yeah, okay.
Great. Great. I'll pick you up around 10: 00, okay?
U h, yeah. Okay.
Bye!
Okay.
Sorry I can't help you out.
Our television's a piece of crap. Goodbye.
Somebody doing a survey.
All that's left to do Is sign the registry book.
Congratulations, M r. and M rs. -
Conway-Kellywood.
So, this mysterious bowling ball.
Now, you say you stole it from a car.
Which car?
It was a black ball-car.
I think the car was black.
It was a black car?
Black or blue. It was a dark color.
Where was it?
I'm talking to you.
I think it was on the other side of the hill.
Okay, I don't get it. What's this all about?
What makes two kids who have never been In trouble before,
suddenly start taking their clothes off and breaking into cars and stealing things?
You do realize you're up against manslaughter here?
I nvoluntary-
Zip it.
It was an accident. We didn't mean to do it. I tried to tell you guys afterwards but,
I got the hiccups.
Really? You wouldn't believe how many good confessions are just ruined by the hiccups.
So,
you returned to the scene of the crime, to confess.
We had to get the bowling ball.
But It wasn't there. So, what happened to It, Billy?
It disappeared.
Look, I admit, I wished my father was dead sometimes.
But we didn't mean to kill him, all right?
He was fat. He was supposed to die of a heart attack.
Same old Billy, sneaking around.
At least you've got your clothes on.
What are you doing here?
Aren't you gonna welcome me home?
What do you mean home?
connie's a cow.
Shit, Larry, does ma know you're here?
What do you think? You didn't tell her about Connie the Cow.
You're the bad son.
Good luck.
Ma?
You okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
It's just you had that date with Bob, and-
Bob's an idiot.
Yeah, but so is dad.
And so the christ are you.
I thought I could trust you.
Oh, what the hell else aren't you telling me?
I was trying to protect you.
I don't need protecting, Billy.
I need someone who's on my side.
I was just worried you might take it bad.
What in the hell is wrong with you?
Of course I was gonna take it bad.
Your father tried to kill himself.
What?
Yeah. After the accident.
How do you think he broke both damn ankles? It wasn't doing the ha-cha-cha!
The goddamn branch broke!
I'm the strong one, Billy. I am.
I've had my share of problems, but they should have been our problems,
your father's and mine.
connie?
connie Goddamn conway.
It's Conway-Kellywood.
And she's pregnant.
Liquor Larry in there already told me, so save your breath.
M r. Post's accident wasn't really an accident.
Not like everyone thinks.
What?
Doug and I stole a bowling ball out of someone's car.
And I bowled It.
It was just meant to be fun,
but It went down the hill and,
M r. Post swerved to avoid it, and-
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
Douglas Goddamn Post.
connie Goddamn conway KenneI compound. And Billy.
Kick me in the teeth and thanks for goddamn nothing little M r. Shit For Brains.
Anything else you've been keeping from me?
We were at the Police station. We told them everything.
Great. Perfect. And?
They didn't find the bowling ball. But they're gonna investigate further.
They thought it was suicide and the Post's insurance doesn't pay for that.
So Douglas Goddamn Post thought maybe we should confess,
and maybe it would help.
And what part did a guilty conscience play in that?
I thought about it. I thought about it a lot.
Oh, my God. You know what's wrong with you, Billy?
Goddamn brain needs some more goddamn brains in it?
You're selfish. You only think of yourself.
You're just like your father,
and I've had it up to my finish line with the whole bunch of you!
And to think I had some hope for you.
I thought you might amount to something.
I guess I should have been more specific!
I have this dream.
I n it you're eight, and I'm six again.
And you hold my hand and walk with me to schooI.
That's It. That's the dream.
They don't lock anybody's cat in anybody's car, or the Holoway's dog.
You just hold my hand and walk with me to schooI.
It's a nice day.
Wake up, Gene.
Please, wake up.
How can you just sit there?
# Going up going up Going up up up #
# Going up going up #
# Oh #
# Like a bubble Headin' for trouble #
# Wind Is blowin' I n the wrong direction #
Ma?
M m?
I got you something.
I thought maybe you could keep some of Linda's things in it.
One time she dressed me up like a girl.
Yeah, I was kind of cute.
And we danced sometimes.
We haven't been to the cemetery in a while.
This was her favorite song.
Oh, yeah.
I always hated this song.
Gene's getting worse, Ma.
Gene, Mom's here.
Maybe I can't do this.
You can.
He looks terrible.
Gene?
I'm sorry I haven't been.
I've been trying.
You have whiskers.
I'm here. I made it.
What do you want me to say?
I'm so sorry that-
You listening to me? You never used to.
I n one ear and, I'd always think, straight out the same ear.
So, are you listening now?
I was always here.
And I'm here now.
I won't come again.
I can't.
You've made, Gene,
a big light.
A shine.
Are you listening?
Gene, it's your turn.
You have to go.
I love you, son.
Gene, I-
I'm gonna go with Ma.
You coming, Larry?
Do you hate me?
No.
Larry?
How could you do that?
How could I not?
Your son and Douglas Post came forward a few days ago
and claimed they were responsible for Douglas's father's death.
Yes. Billy told me that.
I was shocked. You could have knocked me with over a dessert spoon
and then eaten me with it.
Right. Well, We'd like to question them further down the station.
You'll need to come with him.
Oh, Billy, your halo's slipping.
Don't you have a friend you have to meet?
Pardon the dueling banjos. I think there were some cousin marriages on the father's side.
You might like to engage a lawyer.
Larry, okay, you've had enough of the fun.
Now, tell the officers what you told me.
About what?
Apparently, so my son tells me,
the Post dope came up with this whole bowling ball caper,
so his family could collect the insurance money.
I didn't tell you that.
No, Billy did. After you told me that were here all night.
What can I tell you? Billy Is an Idiot.
I was like yourselves, gentlemen. I swallowed the whole story
like it was a shit cake covered in a rich chocolate sauce.
I assure you, ma'am, we didn't swallow anything.
So, Larry, I'd like to hear from you.
I n your own words, what happened?
M m?
The Shithead and the Asswipe were here.
All night.
They had TV dinners.
I guess the reaI question is, do you have the bowling ball?
Well, no.
Bingo!
Are you sure? No. No!
Oh.
Sorry, everyone. Sorry. Sorry!
False alarm. J ust testing the bingo arm.
Bingo!
The last number called was G-49. We'll continue.
O-63.
Thank you.
I-27.
I have to hand it to you.
You've got a real talent in causing car crashes.
You're smashed.
No, I'm serious. You should take a bow.
I mean, two, two fataI crashes and M r. Smolensky.
You're amazing. I mean It.
You-You really are.
Me, I just had a hand In one crash and It's totally fucked me up.
Oh, yeah, thanks for the alibi, huh, Larry?
Sure. No problem, bro.
I- I just left him.
Gene.
I- I went back. He-he's-
Where's mom?
Bingo.
I can't handle things the way you do, Billy.
How do you do It?
How do you not feeI anything?
I feeI things.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry-
It's not your fault.
Katrina's not here.
I know.
I'm sorry about the insurance.
I think my mom was a bulldozer in a past life.
Do you have any bandages?
B-3.
Excuse me, is there a Gloria Conway here?
U h, yeah, that would be me.
You have a phone call.
That would be her.
Follow me. It's out the back.
That would be me again.
G-50. Five-oh.
Gene used to be the center of the universe.
He still has a big pull.
I tried really hard to forget about, you know, everything that's happened.
It's just-
I don't think we should hang out anymore.
My mother had a full grown cow when I told her what we did.
Thanks.
What about Katrina? Do you like her?
I guess.
Hanging out with you was like getting Gene back. It was.
It was-it was better.
It was great, untiI everything went shit shaped.
Doug, I'm not exactly a lucky charm.
Someone's here.
Oh, shit. It's my mother.
You're not supposed to be here.
Quick, hide. H urry up.
Did we just go to a bingo parlor,
or did I have an acid flashback?
J ust say no to drugs.
You're home early.
Gene conway died.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, sweetheart, it's okay.
It's okay.
This was a long time coming.
It's for the best.
It's a pity they couldn't have buried him all those years ago.
It would have saved a lot of grief.
I could have sworn that picture of you two was in your bedroom.
Maybe you should go look for it.
You never know what's waiting around the corner.
It could be an accident,
or It might be a wonderful surprise.
Larry, for Instance, announced that he and Katrina were going steady.
You could have knocked Billy over with a dessert spoon.
Gloria hugged Douglas Post at the funeral.
That was a big dessert spoon moment.
Connie had a ten-pound baby girl
named Cassandra Constance Conway-Kellywood.
Ray was overjoyed.
And Billy's surprise Is yet to come.
I have only one regret In my life, Buster Bill.
I'm sorry you had to see M r. Smolensky die in that awfuI way.
You couldn't have helped that. It was an accident.
I could have prevented it.
But more to the point, you couldn't have.
Nor could you have saved him.
Some things are just meant to be,
sad as they are.
We all pay for our mistakes, Billy.
You paid for yours long before you made them.
Now you gotta stop paying.
See what the world has to offer.
What am I gonna do with it?
# Older brother Restless soul Lie down #
# Lie for a while with Your ear against the earth #
# And you'll hear Your sister sleep talking #
# Say your hair Is long But not long enough To reach #
# Home to me #
# B ut y our beard #
# S omeday might be #
# And she'll wake up I n a cold sweat on The floor #
# Next to a family Portrait drawn when You were four #
# And beside a jar Of two cent coins that Are no good no more #
# She'll lay It aside #
# Older father Weary Soul you'll drive #
# Over your life once More before you die #
# Since our grandma Passed away #
# You've waited for Forever and a day #
# J ust to die #
# And someday soon #
# You will die #
# It was the only Woman you ever loved #
# That got burnt By the sun too often When she was young #
# And the cancer spread And It ran Into her Body and her blood #
# And there's nothing you can do about It now #